Important Update on Housing Rights

Item: The Senate passed a measure late yesterday evening to ensure that buyers of homes have their rights to “Housing with Dignity.” The act’s precepts include the right to an home in “compliance” and other minimal, basic housing rights, or to have a renumeration for the purchase of homes not in conformity to the proposed bill, which goes to the House on Friday. 

Entitled “Deserving Everything Updated For A Song” (DUEFAS), the intention of the bill is to reverse owner bias against buyers seeking affordable housing. A groundbreaking piece of legislation, the bill, if signed into law, will mandate that all homes sold the contiguous 48 states, Hawaii and Alaska have granite and stainless steel kitchens, bathrooms of marble, basements that are hermetically sealed from moisture of any kind, floor carpeting devoid of any odor a bloodhound could detect, household appliances that run in molecular silence from a minimum distance of 5 feet, at least two walk in closets, and “gleaming” hardwood floors. An earlier measure mandating crown molding and chair rail failed after the wainscoting coalition of the Midwest threatened to filibuster. The bill’s preamble statement condemning Formica as a plot to kill middle class America was also removed. 

Considered an important measure for buyer protection by Senate Democrats, the bill mandates up to a a 33 1/3% discount for all buyers buying a home not in compliance with the new requirements, as well as a price control disallowing any list price more than 1% above the median for that census tract, or an amount equal to what a buyer’s relative would recommend so long as they have bought a home once in the past 26.5 years, or have a comb over, hairnet, or exposed buttock in normal bending over, whichever is lower. 

In related news, the Republican controlled House of Representatives passed the Feaux Equity Aid Statute (FEqAS), geared toward the protection of seller’s interest in their primary life investment. Deemed the Republicans’ answer to the Democrat “attack on ownership,” the bill proposes certain inalienable protections for owners, including these highlights:

• The Sentimental Conscienciousness Clause (Senta-clause) attaching premium intrinsic value to parts of the home based on “relevant life experiences,” exempting those parts of the home from needing a physical update. 
• Establishing the efficacy of Duct Tape as a universally acceptable remedy for any household repair.
• The “Foreword Progress” rule, enabling homeowners to price protection based on the highest price sold in a thousand foot radius in the prior 48 months.
• A one-time right to a dispensation from market activity pricing with the solemn utterance before two witnesses of the words “I know what my house is worth (,dammit (optional*))”. 
• The Code Schmode addendum, allowing for up to 400 square feet of indoor or outdoor improvements such as decks, bathrooms and basements to be allowed to pass title in lieu of permits so long as the contractor was a relative or “sharp guy.”