Crime and Punishment

Since there appears to be a movement toward venting tonight, I’ll jump in the pool too. Here are a few offences that have gone unpunished recently, and I hereby appoint myself as Czar of Real Estate Justice.

The Crime: Agents who keep their cell phone a state secret, even if they have an offer on one of my listings.

The Punishment: They must work an entire shift as a phone sex operator on the opposite side of their romantic preference.

The Crime: Agent writes a $410,000 offer on a $499,900 listing when the buyer only qualifies for a home of $420,000.

The Punishment: Their credit card is declined on their next date or important business lunch. The news will be delivered by a maître d’ with severe PMS.

The Crime: Gnus who trade 96 emails with me about my listing, questioning the gauge of the saw used to cut the lumber, swear they don’t have an agent, walk through the house for 90 minutes repeating the same questions 4 times as if the answer will change, then have an offer submitted on their behalf by a rebate agent who never set foot in the house. 

The Punishment: Their mortgage commitment is rescinded 72 hours before closing because the Internet lender the cheapskates used was taken over by the FDIC, forcing them to use a mortgage company that gouges them for 4 points and exorbitant fees. 

The Crime: A “buyer” is parked in front of a home for sale who calls on the sign and demands to see it right now, even if the owner is on home dialysis. When they are asked if they can schedule an appointment, they hang up telling you they’ll call an agent who wants to make a commission and isn’t lazy. 

The Punishment: The “buyer’s” home has a severe sewage back up, and every plumber they call is on vacation or on an extended industrial job that will take them 3 days. The guy who finally does show up smells vaguely like Russian salad dressing and is preoccupied with the wife’s shoe closet. 

The Crime: The buyer agent who doesn’t want to waste his time, so he wastes yours: Needs to know if the complex is FHA approved, what the setback rules are for a deck, what the utility bills are, if the Finnegan pin in the furnace was ever re-jiggered, and 38 other things before he schedules a showing. 

The Punishment: Is forced to modify the loan on his own home with the First National Bank of Satan. 

The Crime: The listing agent who argues about your feedback and fully expects that after deftly handling the objections, that you will be obligated to produce an offer. 

The Punishment: Listing agent coincidentally shares a name with someone wanted by the FBI for human organ black market activity. FBI, who have a guy in a dark sedan parked on the street watching, refuses to acknowledge mistake for 6 months.  

The Crime: Lender commissions an appraiser for a short sale from another county.

The Punishment: Bank negotiator’s wife suddenly has paranoid delusions that he is having a sordid affair with Dwayne, the neighbor’s bull mastiff.