Dear Bank: No, I Will Not Reduce My Commission

Dear Bank:

I am in receipt of your extortion short sale approval contingent upon the reduction of my commission.

I decline your offer. I do not play chicken with my business, and no, something is not better than nothing. I did great work to produce a buyer for this property in spite of rather shabby and unprofessional conduct by your negotiator, who, by the way, I would not hire to walk my dog.

I earned every penny of that commission and more. If you do not close on the deal as proposed, then you will lose, by my conservative calculations, another $75,000 in legal fees for foreclosure, more back taxes, accrued interest and arrearage, and a reduced sales price after the home is vacated and, um, “staged” by Slob Contracting, LTD.

If you choose to foreclose, you are overtly stating that my earning less is more important to you than maximizing the revenue for your company. That would be breathtakingly stupid, which would not be a first for you.

I encourage you to reconsider our offer as proposed by employing the use of something known as “Math.”

Very Truly Yours,

J. Philip Faranda